Do embryos go to heaven?

This embryo could have been a rock star, a teacher, an activist.. everything it could have been was already in its DNA but we will never know.


This week I've found myself wondering about all the embryos that never made it.

So they never had a heartbeat or organs, but these little embabies were genetically predetermined beings yet we aren't encouraged to mourn their loss instead we are told its just a negative and to 'try again'. This just doesn't seem right. For anyone that's been through a failed IVF cycle you will know that feeling when your period comes and you know that that perfect embryo you paid thousands of dollars to create and watched enter your uterus 2 weeks ago would be washed away like it never existed. For me this was the hardest part of a negative cycle. We spent the 2weeks from transfer to test day praying for that little embryo to stick. We would wonder about the gender, would they look like mummy or more like daddy, would they be shy or really outgoing. For 2 weeks we had big plans about what our embryo could have been.... now we will never know!

If our cycle worked we would be 12w3d and entering our 2nd trimester. Ive decided to acknowledge these 'milestones' rather than pushing it aside. I know our embryos weren't babies, but they were a piece of my husband and I that we created. We watched it go from an egg and a sperm into a bunch of cells that would one day be a living person, and i think we deserve to mourn that that little embaby never got the chance to live.

So for all of us that have had or will have a failed cycle, don't be afraid to mourn that tiny being that you created that missed out on the chance to be extraordinary. We made these miracles and we need to acknowledge that they did exist, and we need to mourn the fact that they never had the chance to love us back.

May all our embryos that never made it remain remembered and shine bright.

Egg collection surgery without a general anesthetic!

I thought I would do a post about the egg collection process as my clinic doesn't use a general anaesthetic and people have asked how it works!!

I have a latex allergy so I am always first up for surgeries!! (No waiting around yay) When i arrive they check my vitals and have me suit up in a hospital gown and nothing else (except my lucky rainbow socks i am allowed to keep those on) Hubstar leaves to go do his part of operation make embaby Smiths! 
Then my FS comes and takes me into the operating room, this is where it gets a little scary. There is a team of doctors and nurses buzzing around and a bright light hanging from the roof. I get onto the operating table and its always hard and cold. A nurse puts an oxygen mask over my face while another inserts a canular into my arm. Its usually then that i start to feel incredibly nervous and a little uneasy! So much is happening around you, and you feel really vulnerable. The doctor then pulls my legs into stirrups and the nurse tells me they are inserting the sedation meds into my IV!! Well it feels pretty awesome, going from complete consciousness to a sedated state in seconds is a weird, but good feeling!
The first time i wasn't completely asleep and felt them putting the needle into my ovary, that was NOT pleasant to say the least!! I asked for more sedation and cant remember anything else! Second time round I asked for extra sedition first up and I don't remember the procedure at all!
Waking up In recovery is nerve wracking because the number of eggs are written on your hand just waiting for you to see!! I remember a lady next to me on my first collection waking up to a zero on her hand... that's my fear! 
I have a low pain tolerance and i always bleed a lot right after collection so I'm always in recovery for a little longer. From admission to discharge is about 6hours, after the scientists see you to discuss the egg and sperm quality you're allowed home. My clinic is a 1.5hr drive and my Mum always comes to keep Hubstar calm and occupied while I'm in surgery and recovery. She drives home and i sleep/throw up ;(.
Its a fairly simple process and after a good sleep you will wake up feeling a little sore but mostly back to normal!!

So that's the process of egg collection without anaesthetic, the worst part is when you initially enter the operating room and there is a team of doctors and nurses grabbing you at every angle! But think of the end result, visualise that perfect newborn baby in your arms and you will forget about all the pain and anxiety! (Either that or the sedation will kick in lol)

IVF #2.... synarel spray or should I say devil spray?!

IVF #2 started In September 13, it was a long protocol so I was to go on a medication that essentially shut off all my natural hormones and then once I got my period I would start the FSH at 75iu's this time to grow follicles. This type of cycle goes for 3weeks as opposed to my first cycle that was 1-2weeks.  
It was a very hard cycle. The synarel (a nasal spray twice a day) was like sniffing jalapeño peppers. It nose bleeds along with crazy mood swings, (just ask hubstar lol) I tried to carry on with my routine as normal but it was really tough. My period came a week late, (which meant more time sniffing the devil spray) and i was finally ready to start meds (injections) to grow follicles! 
A friend got me onto a supplement that was meant to improve egg quality called CoQ10, this cycle we wanted quality over quantity. Well my first scan 5 days in showed 30 small follicles... damn it, i was over producing again and we couldn't risk freezing them so we decided to push through and keep growing follicles. We had another scan 3 days later and I had 45 follicles, but there was good news 13 of the follicles had grown to 16mm. (18mm+ is the desired size for collection to ensure the follicle contains a mature egg) We were told to keep going over the weekend and to come back first thing Monday to see if they had grown. Finally good news :) no more follicles had grown and the 13 were now at 19mm+ we were allowed to trigger with HCG and collection would be in 38hrs time!!

I was really bruised and bloated before surgery ;(

Egg collection day came and I was less nervous this time round. In the waiting room I gave some advice to a first time ivf'er, i felt like a veteran lol! I woke up fro, surgery to find a big 13 on my hand :) looks like the CoQ10 had worked!!

The next day we got a report saying 9 had fertilised really well and that we were scheduled for a 5 day transfer!! Each day we called for an update and all 9 were going strong!! Finally a transfer was becoming a reality for us!!

Transfer day came and we suited up in our scrubs and entered the transfer room!!! We didn't know how many had made it or what the quality of our Embaby was so we were really nervous, but mainly EXCITED!!

The screen turned on and there was our beautiful grade AA blast!! Wow what an amazing moment that was, looking at something Hubstar and i created a genetically predetermined little miracle! When I close my eyes and look back at the moment I get butterflies, I Will remember that moment as long as i live.

Transfer was done and the scientists said we had 3 other grade AA blast frozen, in separate straws that morning!! YES!!!!

Our beautiful blast (notice the Australian map silhouette)

I wont bore you with the craziness that as my two week wait (the period between transfer and when you can take a pregnancy test) The first 4 days were really easy, but then i went crazy.. symptom spotting, Internet research you all know the drill!!!

October 14th came and i was 10dp5dt (10 days past a 5 day transfer) it was TEST DAY!! We woke up at 6am and i took the test right away... we covered it up and set the timer.... 3mins...... (aka a lifetime) 

We held hands and pulled back the tissue covering the screen.... a BFN (big fat NEGATIVE) there has been few moments in my life when my breath was taken away, my husband proposing, my wedding day, and THIS! Of course we knew that it may not work, but you wish and hope to god that this is your month, this month WILL work so when it doesn't its like a kick in the stomach and you sit there stunned for a moment. 

What was worse than seeing 1 line on a HPT was seeing the look on Hubstars face. Many of you know the look that I'm referring to, the look of disappointment and strength. They try so hard to be the strong one but behind that wall is a man just wanting to be a daddy, for me seeing his disappointment is nearly as hard as the negative test!

Well as 2013 draws to an end (50mins left to be exact) we are looking forward to a new year and a new plan!! We are going to try and thaw 1 of our blasts In February, hoping It survives the thawing process!!

2014 will be our year, I just feel It!!

FET where it all went wrong!

August 2013 our first FET

After our eventful IVF In July we were excited to be able to do a natural FET (a frozen embryo transfer with no meds) a stress free cycle with no injections YES PLEASE!

Everything was going perfectly, I ovulated right on time and we called the lab so they could take out a straw of our 'bubsicles'. I was so excited all day, finally after all this time we were going to get to a transfer, our BFP was in reach we could see it! 

I was at work when i noticed a missed call on my phone with a voicemail from the clinics director... i remember that message so clearly "hi its Dr Smith here there has been a problem with your frozen embryos please contact reception and have them put you straight through to me" i froze, my heart started racing and my hands were shaking. The call with Dr Smith was a blur, all i remember him saying was 'All 14 of your embryos have died we are completely shocked and we just have no explanation" he kept apologising and all i wanted to do was hang up because i didn't want him to hear me cry. I got on the phone to Greg and broke down, i felt as though i had lost a child. My parents were overseas and i called my mum and she couldn't do much more than to cry with me! I phoned my Mother in law and BFF both were speechless and really didn't know what to say, there wasn't anything to say it was over... I spent the rest of the day In tears. 

I work as a Nanny for an 11 month old (he was 7months then) and when I got the call I was holding him, when I started crying he cried with me. Here I was holding someone elses perfect baby knowing that something had gone horribly wrong with my embryos. I left early that day, loving him was just too hard!

The clinic said my story had sparked the interest of a clinic in Eastern Europe and asked if we would mind being part of a case study. If our story can help just 1 couple then all this would make some sense.

Our clinic and the European clinic never found a reason for all 14 of our healthy embryos dying, lab error? Human error? Genetic Mutation? Or was it destiny? Was that just not meant to be? We wont ever know, but we like to think that it just wasn't our time!

We were told that we should consider an egg donor because getting me healthy enough to make a fresh transfer was near impossible and they didn't think that freezing another cycles embryos would work... 

I did research like a crazy person, i read every article every blog post i could find! I found that a change in protocol had helped ladies that were over stimulator's like myself get to a fresh transfer and i knew i had to give it 1 more go!!

I called my clinic and asked if i could do a down regulation protocol (long cycle) and they agreed :) i was actually cycle 20 when i called and for a down reg cycle you start on cycle day 21!! The next day my dad and i went to the clinic and picked up my meds for IVF #2 :)

to be continued....

Our First IVF cycle... full of drama of course (July 2013)

Our First IVF cycle was back in July 2013, but i remember it like it was yesterday.  It was an experience that we really can't forget, and a month that would test our marriage and our strength as individuals! 
Going in we were very naive,  we had the illusion that we would be that lucky couple that got pregnant on their first IVF cycle, if only we knew then what we know now!
It started like a normal cycle, i was on an antagonist protocol with 100iu's of gonal-F and ganirelix. Being my first IVF cycle and the fact that i have pcos i was started on a low dose of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). I had a scan 8days into starting injections and my body had really responded. I had over 45 small follicles growing none of which were big enough for egg collection (i was incredibly uncomfortable so I knew something wasn't right).  The meds made me sick, I had constant headaches and nausea and found it hard to sleep. Ohhh and the hot flashed man those weren't fun!!

My ovaries were the size of oranges :(

My FS (fertility specialist) suggested that we keep going with the 100iu's of gonal-F and re scan in 3 days. We kept going with the meds over the weekend and returned on the Monday for a scan, more bad news!! 20 new follicles had grown so i was up to 65 follicles now and even more uncomfortable. We were told we would need to trigger with a different med and freeze all untill my body had recovered. We were really upset as we still thought that that was our BFP cycle!

  My lucky socks on egg collection day.

Egg collection day arrived and i was really scared, i had had a panic attack the night before and was really tired and disheartened with how our cycle had gone so far. When i woke up in recovery i looked down and saw a big 25 written on my hand... they had retrieved 25 eggs!!!!!! :) hubstar was ecstatic when he was allowed in to see me, that moment plays in my mind every day i could see how proud he was of me.

  Waking up and seeing this was amazing, all of our follicles were small so we didn't expect any eggs to be retrieved let alone 25!!

Egg collection was really painful and I basically slept till the next morning. And then we got the message that our 14 out of the 25 eggs had fertilised and were to frozen that day!! Wow 14 bubsicles waiting for us.... we started to think that things might work out and that in a months time we would do a FET and get our BFP... again we were wrong!! What happened next would baffle scientists world wide!

 Fertilisation report 

In my next blog will be about our FET and what went wrong!

first EVER blog.. here goes

I should start by introducing myself and giving you an insight into my life :)
My name is Rachel, I'm 23 and married to the love of my life. I refer to him as hubstar but his name is Greg! We live on the coast of NSW Australia with our 4 furr babies. Coco is our eldest pup, she is a 3year old bichon cross, next is Crumb our 1year old mini sausage dog, followed by Sadie our pure black kitty, and last but not least FlapJax our 9week old mini lop bunny. Our little family although incredibly loved is missing one thing: A BABY!!!
Hubstar and I met in 2008, we spent a summer together that changed our lives :) that summer we fell in love and it's where our story begins. We got married September 22nd 2011 in Orange NSW. We started trying for a family right away, hubstar is a little older than me (7years to be exact) and I knew from the start that i wanted to make him a Daddy as soon as possible. Well from cycle 1 we knew things weren't going to be simple. Tests found that i wasn't ovulating (kind of essential for baby making) and hubstars sperm wasn't good. We started Clomid october 2011 (a fertility drug that stimulates ovulation) we tried that unsuccessfully for 6months at the highest dose, and then we tried 6 IUI cycles, we had 1 BFP that ended in a miscarriage. We took a break and came back in 2013 ready to start IVF (I'll do a post of our cycles in detail) well it's December 30th 2013 and we are still not pregnant. We have been through more than most, we have been handed a really crappy hand, but WE WILL NOT BE BEATEN! Hubstar always says "our baby is taking extra long because he/she is destined for greatness and something that special takes extra long to create". He really is Amazing and we are stronger because of infertility!!
That's a little bit about us and our story. We're just an ordinary couple, living an ordinary life, waiting for something extraordinary to complete our story!